Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
