Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
