What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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