Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
