I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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