On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
