so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
