Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Dear god my vagina.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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