Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
