Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
