My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
