that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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