please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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