I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
