I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Mom said you looked used
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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