The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
