Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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