We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
