Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
