I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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