I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
