I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
