when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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