i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
