i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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