I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
