Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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