you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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