I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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