Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
