If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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