tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
