She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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