so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
