Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
