yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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