Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
