he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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