Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
