I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
