You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
