had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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