He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
