Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
