my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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