If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
