SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
