I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
