Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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