he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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