and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
