I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
