Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I didn't notice because vodka
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
