I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The best revenge is premature balding
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
