I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
