i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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